TLDR; The likelihood of wearing tights is directly proportional to the difficulty involved in putting them on.
Ever wondered about the statistics of tight wearing? I know I have! In this article, I will unpack the twists and turns involved with wearing tights and the amazing mathematical discoveries that I made along the way. Strap in everyone, it'll be a wild ride!
Here's a backstory for context...
Winters in Melbourne can be harsh. So as a professional woman, who is pushing 48, and has a severe inability to regulate her body temperature, I can no longer bare (leg) the frosty days without my trusty tights. I am also a chronic oversharer...#sorrynotsorry.
Yesterday was a tight day. Sunny enough to wear a dress, but not warm enough to bypass the leg protection. So out they came, those wonderful, double-truncated saviors of all cold-blooded women (and men) everywhere. Paired with my favourite black dress and knee-high boots, I would be ready to face the world with confidence and grace!
But...as I held those baby's up, apprehension began creeping in. Looking at them and then down at my feet, I realised that my mind was attempting to formulate a strategy for how I would get them on. The worst part was that for the first time, I had also realised that this unconscious (now made conscious) thought, had been developing for quite some time. In fact, like my waistline, this thought had been slowly expanding every time I went to put on a pair of tights. Increasing proportionally with age for the last 10 to 15 years.
So, in that moment, I did what any sane person would do, I set about developing a graphical and statistical representation of the situation. Keep in mind, The data provided is purely anecdotal and has been collected through observation as well as sheer frustration over younger more limber people. As a result, it may be biased, but in my mind's (and body's) opinion, it is an honest and accurate interpretation of the facts.
So here it is, and no truer graph was ever created!
The blue line represents the likelihood of a person wearing tights. As you can see, as the age of the wearer reaches ~14 yo, the likelihood of them wearing tights decreases to zero. This trend continues to about ~ 30 yo. This is because tights are "not cool". In the purest definition of the word, to be "cool", one must be borderline hypothermal at all times. As a mother of three young adults, I know this to be a fact. Through the observation of my three offspring, their friends, and my own experiences at that age, I can also conclude that the difficulty at which said wearer between the ages of 14 - 30 years old, is able to put on this item is quite low. An irony in every sense. Do I hate them a little for this? Yes, I do!
From 30 years old onwards, you can see from the graph that we begin to trend upwards. This means that the likelihood of needing or wanting to wear tights begins to increase. It is not a linear increase, but it is definitely positive and steep. Unfortunately, so does the difficulty of putting the tights on, as represented by the orange line. This increase in tight-wearing difficulty continues until it reaches a maximum difficulty of 10 from the age of 40 years old. At this age, you might find the potential wearer, using several different positions in an attempt to wrestle their legs through these unpleasant Chinese leg traps. An analysis of these positions points to 4 clear preferences.
The wall lean
The chair crouch
The floor roll
...and my personal favourite, The "I'm just gonna wear pants move"
Once again, I would like to note that these four positions have been collected through a combination of observation and experiment, so although not statistically verified, I stand by them and challenge anyone to provide data that disproves both my hypothesis and conclusion.
Speaking of conclusion, I should probably bring this painful experience to an end for you all and provide you with mine. So here it is:
The likelihood of a person wearing tights is directly proportional to the increased difficulty that one has in putting them on.
And there you have it. The meaningless, but necessary statistical analysis of the humble tight and tight wearer...you're welcome!